When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
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ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!