FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
You are not alone 💚
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.