Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
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what kind of cook setting is this??
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.