Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
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“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
the simulation is moving too fast