Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
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Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
If you know, you know
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.