billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
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In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
channeling her this year
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.