Is this the real life?
Is this just
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If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Ummm
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then