6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
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Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Never forget.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
No. He’s not coming out to play
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.