billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
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My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.