Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Dune (2021)
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.