While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.