Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
You Might Also Like
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Matt Goss
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
A leaf blower, but for people.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
A little too much information.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.