Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
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My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.