In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
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SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
so this horse walks into a bar
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?