Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?