An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
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ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real