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I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.