one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
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I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
True freaking story!
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
“OMGJK” -atheists
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
🛁
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.