[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
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IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.