I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
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The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Pat is about to own someone
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.