71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
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[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
people who do mutinies should be called mutants