mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
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SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out