[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
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*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.