boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Now this is how you LinkedIn
New comic up. “Ransom”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.