A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.