(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
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if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
There are usually two types of merchants.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil