There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Yup.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?