why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
The only equipped I am is ill.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism