What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
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Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.