[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
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It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.