{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
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Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Me too door. Me too.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!