A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
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I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.