4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
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I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Most fashion shows these days…
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”