That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
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Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
man i love columbo
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.