Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met