Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
❤️❤️❤️
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉