i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
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me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
new shirt idea
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.