My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
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if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
absolutely not
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.