[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
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Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My patience has stretch marks.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My typo game is string.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*