I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
You Might Also Like
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Cat is stressing him out.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot