Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
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Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
No laws when master is gone
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.