It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
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ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.