Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
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Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again