When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
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[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime