The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
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Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.