For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
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[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does