professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
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I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.