[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
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Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Looking at you, Jesus.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits