I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
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Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK