My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
You Might Also Like
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th